Looking back on this blog...I realize I was in a pretty crappy place. Music has always spoken to me, and sometimes backfires and makes me turn small problems into bigger ones. I was relying on the world to make me feel better. In reality, God is the only one who could take my anxiety and depression, and turn it into a person who is working through her struggles to get to a better place. A place where she loves everyone, isn't angry or selfish, and appreciates life and doesn't dwell on the negative things.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest."

That is the verse that changed my life. Realizing that God, who is bigger than anything, can give. me. rest. Rest is something I haven't had in years. I'm still struggling with trusting God with everything in my life, but when I open up my Bible I can see that God is trying to teach me something. Some of you may not believe in God, or maybe have never even heard of Him. But I promise you, if you trust your life to God, He WILL change your life.

Some of you probably think I sound crazy...and maybe I am. But crazy FAITH is what it takes to have a personal relationship with the one true God. No worldly thing is ever going to satisfy what you are missing. For me those things were boys, alcohol, and friends. I'm such a people person that it was literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to be alone. I don't exactly know where I'm going with this, but something is definitely on my heart and I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'll get back to you when I remember haha. In the mean time, smile. Love others.

" 'Cause my mind is like a building burning down
I need your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground
And my heart is just a prisoner of war
A slave to what it wants and to what I'm fighting for

So won't you empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with you."

~Tenth Avenue North

I guess it's been a while since I blogged...just like a month or two. I don't know how many people see this anyway. I guess it's more for me than anything else.

So I thought I got back on track to getting better. But I still feel the same. I feel like I should feel different. ^ That song up there? Is how I feel. My head is a crazy messed up place that needs peace. My heart is being pulled in 2 different directions...and boys aren't even involved in this one. It's God or the World. I know which one is right...but I've been with the World so long...that I forgot how to not be with it. I found someone to talk to...who actually listened and understood my problems. But...I feel like I can't call her. I mean, she's busy and has other people to deal with, and I don't want to be a burden. I do not..want to be a burden. To anyone. I need God. I need to live for Him. My heart is changed but I feel like such a failure. I was feeling so much better too. So much for that. Good thing no one sees this. Too vulnerable.

Next problem. My friend and this guy who I have a past with are now talking. It doesn't upset me, but I don't know why I can never keep my mouth shut and just let people be friends. I realllly know how to ruin relationships. Second reason I'm a failure. To my best friend to top it off. When will I be able to be like a normal person and not interfere with other people's lives?

All I need..is to be swept off my feet by that incredible love that I know God offers. What do I have to do?

"I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way"
~Maroon 5

Ever get that feeling when you just want someone? Or to be with that someone? Yup. I do. Right now. Is it wrong to be jeaous? He has all of these friends that are girls and here I am like 'hey I'm a loner' (just kidding but seriously) and...ahhhhhh I don't know. My 12 hour relationship didn't exactly teach me any life lessons on relationships so I'm flyin' by the seat of my pants on this one. All I know is I want to be with him. Right now. Every day. He makes me so happy. Too bad I have to wait at least 25 days until I move to that city to see him. rawr. I'm unhappy about all of this. If you have relationship advice I would greatly appreciate it...

"I'm not a fortune teller
I won't be bringing news of what tomorrow brings
I'll leave that up to you
I'm not a fortune teller
Don't have crystal ball
I can't predict the future
Can't see nothing at all"
~Maroon 5

Well, my song for the day. Do you ever wonder about the future? How it will turn out? What God has in store for your life? I do. All. The Time. Some days it just seems like...like there's no purpose to life. But other days, it feels like I belong. I think I spend so much time making sure everyone else feels wanted in this world, that I forget about myself. I give up because no one cares. "People care about you!" says people on the outside looking in. Yeah? Prove it.

Oh, another thing I'm sick of.. "I miss you!" Ok, if you miss me DO something about it. Don't just say it and move on. Oh, "I love you" is a good one too. Makes me laugh. You love me? Show me. I won't believe it until someone, the right person, does exactly what needs to be done to make me smile and fall completely in love with them. Sounds impossible? I'm impossible? No. I have high expectations. And nothing is going to make me lower them.

"Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight"

This is what I need. I need someone to tell me this. I realize God is there, and wants me to see that He is ready for me to let go of everything. But I just can't. It's stupid. I just..don't know how. And not knowing how KILLS ME. If I knew, I wouldn't struggle every day. I wouldn't worry, doubt, or second guess everything. When the day comes, when I realize how to fix this...it's going to be a great day.

When Mike told everyone to reach up...like  a small child reaching for their father...it felt real. I didn't want that to go away. But of course it did...since the concert had to go on. And I was feeling better! Until nighttime. Night is a bad time of day. It's dark, it's scary, it's lonely. But it is possible to get through it...if you stay up long enough and eventually pass out.

No one understands depression unless you have been there. There is hope. I'm still looking for it, but I know it's there. Just know this...you NEVER have to walk alone.